Category: Entertainment

They Won’t Respect You in the Morning

I wonder if Hugh Hefner in his last days, as he tottered around his crumbling, piss-stained McMansion, knew what was happening to his empire. I kind of hope he did:

For the first time in its 64-year history, Playboy magazine will feature a transgender Playmate, a decision that Cooper Hefner, a top executive at the magazine, said on Thursday was in keeping with its founding mission of embracing changing attitudes about sex.

Ace mentions this, but I can’t imagine anyone under the age of 60 still subscribes to Playboy. They’re following in the desperate footsteps of GQ, Esquire and plenty of other once-unique publishing brands by appealing to the SJW crowd. 

It won’t work.

Sure, people will laud them on Twitter and maybe sales will get a minor bump, but can anyone really see a bunch of feminists suddenly deciding that Playboy is a great magazine that deserves their support? SJWs infiltrate. They don’t care if the host lives or dies.

Aside from that, if every other outlet is now posting social justice clickbait, what differentiates Playboy from anyone else? A chick with a penis? That’s almost passé at this point.

There are lots of old institutions these days that have sped up their own decline by submitting to this garbage. I’m glad to see that Playboy has joined them.

Top 10 TLC Reality Shows for 2014

10. Help! I’m a Teenage Crackhead – Join Scissor and his plucky friends as they roam the streets of Hollywood committing petty crime and giving beejers for small bills.

9. Eight Husbands and Counting – Sandra is a polyandrist living in Las Vegas. A sober and dignified look at this rare practice.

8. My Son Is Pregnant & So Am I

7. Here Comes Octomom

6. Schizophrenic in the City – We put seven schizophrenics in a loft in New York City, take away their medication and lock all of the exits.

5. Welcome to Toledo

4. Suburban Pimp – Da’quan left Atlanta two years ago and moved his thriving business to Urbandale, Iowa. Watch the hilarious culture shock as Da’quan recruits his “hos” and tries to find a place to cash their food stamps.

3. My 600 Pound Greek Wife

2. King of Haggis

And the number one reality show beginning in 2014 on TLC is…

1. Amish Bigfoot – Temptations surround Sasquatch as he spends Rumspringa in sunny Miami Beach. Pretend that you’re learning something about another culture and not watching a phony, exploitative soap opera as he hangs out on the beach with attractive women in bikinis and gets sloppy drunk on mojitos.

Provoked by this show on TLC.

HuffPo Desperately Pretends That Lena Dunham Is Hot

Lena Dunham VogueShe’s not unattractive. It’s just that this need on the part of media hipsters to turn Lena Dunham into a supermodel demands trolling. Really, Huffington Post?

The much-anticipated cover photo was released by Vogue on Thursday morning, highlighting the “Girls” creator in a gorgeous close-up shot. Snapped by photographer Annie Leibovitz, the image is soft and flattering but also as quirky as Dunham herself — no typical bedroom eyes or smoldering scowls here.

Outside of pudgy liberal Millennials living in Brooklyn, no one was waiting with baited breath for the moment that Lena Dunham appeared on the cover of Vogue. She’s a mirror for a generation of plain white narcissists living in a pretend world located somewhere in New York.

That’s a dissertation waiting to be written.


Justin Bieber and Octomom Investigated

Justin BieberSometimes I forget that Blackmailers Don’t Shoot is a Los Angeles based blog. A funny thing about L.A., if you’ve never been here, is that the city is really big. I live in the part that isn’t even trying to be hip. Hell, the last semi-famous person I saw in person was the guy who plays Leonard on Big Bang Theory, and that was two years ago. Nonetheless, both of these characters live about 20 traffic-free minutes from where I live, so proximity and laziness prompt this celebrity gossip post.

Justin Bieber is being investigated for possible felony vandalism

Justin Bieber is being investigated by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department amid accusations that he egged his neighbor’s Calabasas home. TMZ breathlessly reports that

In California, if the damage is greater than $400 it becomes FELONY vandalism.  We’re told the homeowner’s damage could be in the 10s of thousands of dollars because the very expensive Venetian plaster on the outside of the house has to be redone, and very expensive doors and other items were either damaged or ruined.

Fox News reports that in executing a felony search warrant on Bieber’s house, “cocaine was in plain view” and a rapper named “Lil Za” was arrested on narcotics charges.

Octomom accused of welfare fraud

In news that everyone saw coming from about 50 miles away, Nadya “Octomom” Suleman is due in court on Friday where she is charged with failing to disclose income from appearances and her solo porn video. [Wait, what? People actually bought that monstrosity?] According to the Los Angeles Times,

that failure to report allegedly resulted in her illegally receiving $16,481 in welfare payments, according to the criminal complaint obtained by L.A. Now. The cash, doled out in the first half of 2013, came from the CalWorks financial assistance program and the CalFresh food aid program.

The prosecution will likely seek $25,000 bail for the mother of 14.

Now I feel all dirty. I hope that was worth it.