The Political Trifecta of Awesome

Maybe it’s wrong to gloat on the anniversary of a national tragedy, but you know what? Conservatives haven’t had an opportunity for some schadenfreude since 2010, and sometimes good things just can’t happen on Christmas or my birthday. And yeah, technically these things all happened yesterday, but no one is gonna kill my buzz, and if anyone tries Chandler’s Ghost is going to go straight up berserk in this joint. So without further ado…

Welcome to Hatefest 2013!

This one’s for Regular Right Guy

Bitter Clingers – 1, Michael Bloomberg – 0

Democratic State Senators John Morse and Angela Giron were successfully recalled in Colorado as punishment for the state’s new gun law. This in spite of the fact that the anti-recall forces amassed between six and nine times the money that the pro-recall forces gathered. Midget dictator Michael Bloomberg pulled $350,000 out of his left sock to back Morse and Giron. Sorry Mike. Bad investment.

Democratic National Committee Chair and official Person Who Makes Up Obvious Crap Debbie Wasserman Schultz is now trying to blame voter suppression and fooling absolutely no one. Except perhaps Chris Matthews. But really, how hard is that?

Uhhh...

Uhhh…

Let Me Be Clear

President Obama summoned all of his Ciceronian oratorical skills to make the case for…something…in Syria and let out the verbal equivalent of a wet fart. The one thing we all know for sure after that speech is that Russia now owns the Middle East and, quite possibly, American foreign policy.

The good news is that if you have no clue what that speech was all about, you’re right. If you found yourself vaguely insulted by the whole exercise, you’re probably a Conservative, which isn’t exactly great news for the President, seeing as how you’re the one that he has to convince on this whole thing.

Fail

Fail

So Long Carlos, and Thanks for All the Laughs

New York City mayoral candidate and amateur pornographer Anthony Weiner lost big time in the Democratic Primary, receiving a whopping five percent of the vote. That’s the good part. The hilarious part is that Weiner’s skeevy cyber gal pal Sydney Leathers showed up to the party, forcing Weiner to run through a McDonald’s to avoid the confrontation. The above photo was Weiner’s parting gift to the media.

This one is a twofer, though, because with Anthony Weiner out of the picture, Sydney Leathers’ 15 minutes are just about up. This is the only reason anyone was paying attention to her in the first place, and now the thing that made her Internet famous is over.

Sydney, I’m from this town. Your future psychiatrist doesn’t give a damn about you, so what makes you think that the dirtbags at Vivid are going to keep handing you checks now that you’re no longer relevant? The good news is that there are a lot of strip clubs on Sepulveda, so you might be able to find a buyer for your unique talent.

In lieu of a closing paragraph, here’s a video of two newscasters yukking it up over the incident. Happy Hump Day!

Update: This actually happened. “Amateur” is far too nice.

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